Series: WHAT YOU SEE IS WHAT YOU GET (May 29th - June 12th)

1. Be a Student of What They are Learning

Jesus seemed to make it pretty simple when it comes to what following Him would be all about: love God and love others as you love yourself. But this simple command gets a lot more complicated when we don't see God, ourselves and others as we should. When we don't see rightly, we don't live rightly. So, how do we fix our broken view? How do we start living in a way that reflects Jesus' intensions for our lives, and see the world the way we should? What we see is what we get. So, how do we see the right way?

Week 1 Summary: Simple (May 28th)

We all have a picture of who God is. And whether it’s positive or negative, the way we see God often shapes the way we experience Him—and most especially the way we relate to His greatest commandment: to love Him with all our heart. So how do we change our view? How do we start to see God the right way so we can begin to love Him, as He first loved us?

Week 2 Summary: Famous (June 4^th)

Every one of us wants to know the answer to this question: Do I matter? We look for it from our friends, our parents, social media and sometimes even from strangers. But what happens when we choose to stop looking at everyone else to tell us that we matter and start looking to the One who calls us His own? Because if we’re going to get the second part of the greatest commandment right, we’ve got to begin seeing ourselves as God sees us.

Week 3 Summary: The Side of the Road (June 11th)

If we were honest, I think many of us would admit, we tend to see ourselves as the center of the universe.  We see people in light of what they can do for us, instead of what we can do for them. But in the Great Commandment, Jesus makes it clear that our call as Christians is to love our neighbor. So, who is our neighbor? And, how do we love them? Thankfully, Jesus doesn't just tell us what to do, He tells us what this looks like. 

2. Be a Student of Your Student

No matter how old we get, the need for acceptance never goes away. Consciously or not, we are all drawn to the places and people where we feel absolutely and unconditionally welcomed, approved and believed in. But there may be no other time in life where the pull to feel this acceptance is as strong as the teenage years.

One motivational youth speaker puts it this way, “Acceptance is never more important than during the teen and preteen years – when they are clamoring, ever so awkwardly, toward adulthood and on their way to the summit of self-actualization (their true potential)” (http://www.pinkshoehero.org/2012/11/12/unconditional-acceptance/).

This may not be new information, but as parents to teenagers, it is critical information. As our students approach ages where the need for acceptance is felt more acutely than ever before, the stakes are higher than ever. Because if we aren’t offering the acceptance our teenagers are desperate for, they won’t just live without it—they will look elsewhere for it.

Which is why it is so important that our kids feel the acceptance they need from us primarily. But before addressing what acceptance may look like, let’s talk about what it is not. Acceptance of our students doesn’t have to mean approval of unwise choices. In the article “The Importance of Unconditional Self Acceptance” from the parenting website The Kids Are Alright, the point is made this way: “Accepting a teenager unconditionally doesn’t mean you have to accept their reasoning, the premise of what they’re saying, their poor behavior or bad attitude, their disrespect, their playing the victim card, or their oft-times poor sense of judgment … But the simple act of showing them that you accept them for who they are, as a person – their weaknesses, strengths and all – is the first step to helping them build their own self-acceptance” (http://www.thekidsareallright.com.au/2013/parenting/self-esteem-unconditional-self-acceptance/).

In addition, acceptance, from our end as parents, should not be a reaction. We shouldn’t be taking our cues from our teenagers and gauging how to respond to them based off of how they are treating us. In fact, the opposite is true. Though this is a stage of life where they may be naturally pulling away and sending every nonverbal (or verbal) message of how they don’t want us around, this is the time when our communicated acceptance is the most crucial. In offering this, even when your student is communicating something different, you are creating the space for change in their behavior to happen. And whether their behavior changes or not, creating a place where they feel accepted is always a good idea.

So, how do we begin showing unconditional acceptance to our teenagers in actual, tangible ways? How do we put our “I love you” in a language they can really understand?

3. Action Point

Social scientists John DeFrain and Nick Stinnett asked 1,500 kids, “What do you think makes a family happy?” What was their most frequent answer? Doing things together.                                                                                            

Here is a list of seven creative ways parents can demonstrate their love and acceptance to their children.

1.  Plan to hang out with your student once a month—and let them choose the activity.

2.  Kidnap them unexpectedly for a walk or a meal.

3.  Write something encouraging on a Post-it-note and stick it on their bedroom door.

4.  Spend an hour listening to their favorite music or watching their favorite TV show with them.

5.  Find something about your child’s appearance to compliment. 

6.  Do one of their chores for them.

7.  Sit down with your child and start asking questions … and then listen to them.

Pick one—or all seven—and be intentional this week about showing your student that you love and accept them, just the way they are.

Get connected to a wider community of parents at www.orangeparents.org.

Series: LET IT GO (May 1st - May 15th)

1. Be a Student of What They are Learning

“I just can’t let it go.” “They don’t deserve to be forgiven.” “It hurts too much to move on.” Maybe you’ve heard your students say something like this in the midst of pain, frustration and anger towards someone who has hurt them—or maybe you’ve said or thought something similar yourself. Choosing to forgive someone who has hurt us is never easy. So why does it matter so much that we do it? How do we know when we should do it? And how do we know we have actually healed from the pain an offense has caused? How do we simply let it go?

Week 1 Summary: The Grudge (April 30th)

At some point in all of our lives, we will come face-to-face with a very tough decision—whether or not to forgive. And while sometimes the idea of getting revenge seems right in the moment, in the long run, the only person it truly hurts is us. So if holding on to a grudge isn’t the best thing for us, what are we supposed to do? And who is ultimately responsible for making it right?

Week 2 Summary: It’s Not Fair (May 7th)

“We all want forgiveness. And—at one point or another—we all need it. But we aren’t always as willing to give it out as we are to accept it. Thankfully, the Bible tells us that God doesn’t measure our sins to see what is forgivable and what isn’t. He doesn’t say, “yes” to some things and “no” to others. So, if God is able to forgive every offense, what does it look like for us to do the same? What does it look like for us to take the forgiveness we have received and pass it on to other people who don’t deserve it—other people just like us?

Week 3 Summary: Little Brother (May 14th)

Your students have chosen to forgive. And they’ve actually done it! At least, they think they have, until the same old feelings come creeping up all over again. And suddenly, the freedom of letting go becomes more about coping than actually forgiving and moving on. So what do we do to move past coping to actually healing? How do we put our pain in the right perspective—God’s—so we can truly forgive and let it go?

2. Be a Student of Your Student

I can think of multiple times in my life when I’ve been in an emotional stand off with someone over something they did or said—or maybe something they didn’t say or didn’t do. Taking the first steps towards getting back on good terms is simple enough—in theory. But saying the words “I’m sorry” often feels like it costs too much. So, too often we choose silence in the hopes that time will fix it, instead of intentional reconciliation.

Unfortunately, not apologizing can be costly—maybe even especially to the relationship with our teenagers. Maybe sometimes you don’t want to apologize because you know that they are the one who did something wrong. Maybe in reaction to something your son did, you lashed out and said something that was a little harsh—but you excused it because his behavior was completely unacceptable. Or maybe you found yourself sneaking through bedroom drawers just to squelch some rising suspicions and it really broke your daughter’s trust—but you were justified in what you did, so an apology seems unnecessary. You didn’t do anything outside of your parental rights, per se, but your son or daughter feels hurt, betrayed or angry.

Saying I’m sorry can be so hard. Admitting you’re wrong, or that you even had a small part in an argument or bad situation, can physically hurt sometimes. It doesn’t sit well. On the other hand, when someone has apologized to you, or you have made the first step towards reconciliation, something distinct and compelling happens. There is a sense of relief, of vulnerability and calm. All from simply saying—or hearing—“I’m sorry.”

What is it about an apology that can be so powerful—both for the receiver of the apology and the one actually apologizing?

To understand this a bit more, we want to share some excerpts from an article entitled “The Power of Apology: How to give and receive an apology. And it’s worth it, on both ends” by Beverly Engel featured in Psychology Today in June 2013, and taken from the book The Power of Apology by Beverly Engel: (To read the full article, go to http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/200208/the-power-apology.)

As you read, try to focus on the bolded words—on what giving an apology does—and try to imagine these action words taking place in the context of your relationship with your son or daughter:

“Apology has the ability to disarm others of their anger and to prevent further misunderstandings. While an apology cannot undo harmful past actions, if done sincerely and effectively, it can undo the negative effects of those actions … Apologizing helps us remain emotionally connected to our friends and loved ones.…

So, the next time you find yourself in a stand off with your spouse, a co-worker a friend or even your son or daughter, remember that more is on the line than just your pride and sense of justice. The future relationship, the ability to stay connected to and vulnerable with that person is on the line too. The words “I’m sorry” may be hard to say, but they are always worth the effort!

3. Action Point

The action point for this series is pretty straightforward: Apologize to your student.

But sometimes this is easier said than done. So what are some characteristics of a meaningful apology?

First of all, admit that you are truly sorry for the hurt or damage you caused. It’s easy with our students to unintentionally do or say something that they take personally. And even though we don’t always mean things the way they hear or experience them, the hurt that can be caused is still real to them. So, while you may not have meant to be hurtful, recognizing that someone else was hurt by your actions is incredibly important.

Secondly, a sincere and powerful apology includes an acceptance of responsibility. This may seem like the same thing as admitting you are sorry for the hurt you caused. But it actually takes this idea of admittance one step further. When you accept responsibility, you are not making excuses for what you did, which often has the effect of negating the apology. It’s like when your student says, “I’m really sorry that I dented the car, but the other driver was way too close to me and I couldn’t see them well out of my side mirror.” Too many excuses cloud a good apology with a message of “It really wasn’t my fault.” For an apology to be meaningful and sincere, you have to communicate that you take full responsibility for your actions.

And lastly, there should always be something in your apology that shows you have a desire to remedy the situation. You obviously can’t go back and undo what was done—or not done—but you can offer a plan to make sure it doesn’t happen again. So, if you’ve missed your son’s basketball game … again … and he is really hurt and angry, make a plan and offer a promise to get to one of his upcoming games. And then do it! An empty promise will only make the hurt deeper, so don’t promise what you can’t deliver. But be sure to offer some sort of a plan of action so that your son or daughter knows that you will work towards not repeating the action that hurt them in the first place.

Take some time to think through what a meaningful apology might look like for your son or daughter. And then, go say the words that make all the difference in the world—I’m sorry.

Get connected to a wider community of parents at www.orangeparents.org.