1. Be a Student of What They are Learning
We all deal with authority. Whether it’s our students
dealing with parents, teachers and coaches or us as adults in our work
relationships, marriages and finances—authority is everywhere. As teenagers,
most of us believe that if we can just grow up and get out—out of high school
and out of our parent’s house—we will be free from authority. But the truth is,
authority is always an issue. No matter how grown up we are we never outgrow
authority. When we look at what the Bible has to say about it, we realize that
authority isn’t a bad thing. If we can learn how to respond to authority
now—both the good and the bad—we will reap the benefits for the rest of our
lives.
Session 1: The Purpose (Jan. 30th)
Authority isn’t a word that most of
us feel comfortable with. But for those of us who call ourselves Christians,
authority—and how we deal with it—matters, because God created authority with a
purpose and for a reason. He knows that when we step outside of authority, we
do more harm to ourselves than it’s worth. We put ourselves in a vulnerable
position. Even when everything in us wants to fight against it, true freedom is
actually found within the bounds of authority.
Session 2: The Problem (Feb. 6th)
We’ve established that authority is a necessary part of life. But what
do we do when a person in authority abuses their power? What do we do when an
authority is simply bad? David knew a little bit about what it was like to be
under a poor authority. And the way he chose to deal with it gives us a glimpse
into how He trusted God. Because while he couldn’t control the abusive
authority he was under, he could control how he reacted to that authority. And
his example reminds us that how we react to a poor authority is ultimately a
reflection of our trust in the God who put it there to begin with.
Session 3: The Pay Off (Feb. 20th)
It’s pretty hard to mention the word authority
and not think of the predominant authority figures in our lives—our parents.
This relationship is the first place we come face-to-face with the frustrations
and realities of dealing with authority. But it’s also the place where we get
to practice how to deal with it in a healthy way while the stakes are low.
Because whether it’s our parents, our teachers, our bosses or—ultimately—God,
we are all under authority. And learning to honor those authorities now will
benefit us for the rest of our lives.
2. Be a Student of Your
Student
Can you remember the worst
argument you ever had with your parents? Not just some little tiff over a bad
attitude or a snarky comeback, but the kind of moment where you felt like your
rights as an individual were on the line; that felt like a personal declaration
of independence?
I remember one such occasion.
I desperately wanted to go with a group of friends to see a rock concert. I was
a junior in high school. I could drive. I had a part-time job. I had no major
infractions on my teenage record. For all intents and purposes, I believed I
was an adult. Except that I was only 17 and my parents still had the final say
on how I spent my time once the clock ticked past 8 pm, especially on a
weeknight. I was asking them if I could go with a group of friends—predominantly
guys—to downtown Los Angeles to see a rock band play a huge concert. Obviously,
I was stepping way outside my bounds. But when my mom told me no—when she
explained that it would be absolutely unwise of her to let me go—I still had a
meltdown that resembled a three-year-old temper tantrum. I was absolutely
mortified. I went back and forth every way I could with my mom. Negotiation
became the name of the game. What if I
drive myself with another girlfriend and promise to be home by midnight? What
if I only go for the first half of the concert? What if I actually let YOU
drive me down? No matter how hard I tried, the answer was still “no.”
Needless to say, I was not
very happy with my mom for quite awhile. But, ultimately, I complied. And two
days after the concert, I was glad I did. When the reports came in from friends
about what was going on both before and after the show, I knew that I wasn’t
ready to handle what would’ve been right in front of me that night. But
something more than my safety was gained in the moment my mom said no and I
pushed back. There was dialogue. I was able to present my case and actually
talk with my mom, as an almost-adult, about why I wanted to go. And here’s the
thing: As I made my case to my mom, with tears in my eyes, about why I simply
HAD to go, I felt my own case unraveling. As my mom and I went back and forth
about who was going to be there, what was happening before and after the show
and how late I would really be out, I started to get the sense that I was
making a pretty poor case. Suddenly, even though my mom was the true authority
and would have the final say, something inside of me said that this really
wasn’t a good idea after all. Ultimately, the ability to push back allowed me
to figure out on my own what my mom was trying to tell me all along.
This wrestling, this pushing
back, may have been frustrating for my mom in the moment, but in the long run,
it was a really good thing! Not that disobedience is okay. It’s not and that is
a separate issue. But the ability to talk something out, to push back, to
wrestle and negotiate creates something that is way more valuable than a simple
“Yes, Sir” or “Yes, Ma’am”; it creates movement towards independence, autonomy
and a transfer of authority from you, as the parent, to your student, themself.
An article published in Psychology Today in May of 2011 speaks
to this idea of transferring an adolescent’s authority from their parent to
themselves—something all of us need to be able to do to become healthy, whole
adults. Here is an excerpt from the article: (You can read the full article at http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/surviving-your-childs-adolescence/201105/adolescence-and-parental-authority.)
Come adolescence, parents often won't get exactly what they
want, exactly how they want it done, exactly when they want it done, and that's
okay. The older the adolescent grows the more she pushes back against parental
authority. And this opposition is functional.
After all, if the young person ended up adolescence in the
early to mid twenties content to live life entirely on parental terms, then
independence would never be taken. That's the downside of excessive parental
authority …
Although adolescents still need the preparation and
protection of parental authority, they also need more experience of becoming
their own authority if they are ever to become functionally independent.
Turning over increased amounts of responsibility to the teenager is how this
education in becoming one's own authority is done.
That's right. The final battle for independence at the end of
adolescence is not against parental authority, but against one's own …
And yet, at last relieved of their role as authority and of
all the responsibility that went with it, parents have actually won in their
own way. They have finally worked themselves out of a job. Now for good and
ill, their son or daughter is finally in charge.
So the next time you ask your son
or daughter to do something—or not to—and they ask “why?” take a moment, breath
and be thankful, because their willingness to ask that question is a good step
in the direction of adulthood. And after they have asked the question and you
have answered it, kindly remind them that you, as the parent, still expect them
to listen and, ultimately, honor your authority through obeying.
3. Action Point
Choose your battle.
Every student/parent
relationship has its hot button topics. Whether it’s a romantic relationship, a
certain friendship, an issue with a grade or a teacher … there are always
issues that students and parents struggle to see eye-to-eye on. What are those
particular struggles between you and your student? Where does your student feel
like he or she wants to have more say? Where are the areas that you feel like
your student needs to be under your authority and more compliant?
Choose a time to go out with
your student—whether to coffee, dinner, a walk, a drive—somewhere you can
talk—preferably in a different place than where your most heated arguments take
place—and work through, in a civil way,
one of these hot-button issues.
Get connected to a wider community of parents at www.orangeparents.org.