1. We’re Teaching This
All families fight. It’s inevitable. We fight
to be heard. We fight to get what we want. We fight for things to be fair. And
oftentimes, the fighting leaves us in worse shape than before we started. But
what if fighting didn’t have to be such a bad thing? What if fighting could
leave us better than when we started? Maybe, instead of fighting for everything
we want, we change our focus. What if
we fought for the relationship with
our parents and our siblings instead of against them? If that is the case, maybe
a good fight is just what we need!
Session 1 Summary: Fight for
Honor (9/11)
No
family is perfect. We all know it. And sometimes we think that if we could just
escape our family, everything would be great. But we can’t change our parents,
and we can’t escape them. What we can do is change the relationship we have with them. The book of Ephesians gives
us some insight into just how to do this, and it may not be what you might
expect. So what can you do to be the fighter in your family?
Session 2 Summary: Fight for
the Relationship (9/18)
Most fights come down to one thing: Perspective. Often what we want for
ourselves isn’t what our parents want for us and this can cause some serious
tension. So what do we do when we can’t see eye-to-eye with them? The Bible
reminds us that the way we handle our parents when we aren’t getting what we
want has to do with more than just our relationship with them; it’s a
reflection of our relationship with God. Because when we turn our hearts
towards our parents, we find ourselves moving closer to God as well.
Session 3 Summary: Fight for
Acceptance (9/25)
Jesus
had some powerful things to say about how we relate to our enemies. And
sometimes it feels like our greatest enemies are the ones who live under our
own roof. While sibling rivalry may feel like a 24/7 challenge to you now, some
day the relationships with your brothers and sisters may be the most important
ones in your life. So how do you get there? How do you make the move to fight
for those future relationships?
2. Think About This
“It’s not you, it’s me.” It’s a classic
break-up line. But it may also be a helpful line when it comes to navigating
conflict with your student. Except, it’s just the opposite. “It’s not me, it’s you.” Not that you
should say that to your teenager, but when it comes to working through the
emotional landmines students seem to live in, this can be helpful to keep in
mind: You aren’t crazy.
In an article from Psychology Today, Dr. Terri
Apter writes, “The real task of
adolescence, and the real cause of turbulence, is the teen's own uncertainty about who he is, alongside his eager need to
establish a sense of identity.” It’s the reason things always feel on
edge. For students, much is on the line. They
know they are changing and growing, but they aren’t quite sure what, or who,
they are becoming. It is a classic identity crisis. And as they are trying
so hard to figure themselves out, parents become targets; innocent bystanders,
feeling helpless in their position.
Apter continues, “Teens get so heated in arguments with parents because so much is at
stake: they are fighting to change their relationship with a parent, to make a
parent see that they are not the child the parent thinks she knows…teens expect the parent to appreciate who
they have become, even before they know.”
In other words, your teenagers are desperate
for a sense of individuality and self—desperate for you as their parent to
recognize it, value it and understand it. They need you to lead the way in
their quest for distinctiveness and feel the support and encouragement coming
from you. They may not have the words for it, their actions may communicate
otherwise, but at the root of this stage
of development is the desire to be foundationally supported by the ones they
often end up isolating.
As much as they try to push you away, exclude
you or simply ignore you, by definition of your role, you are in it. With them. And if done right, you could have the chance to fight for them, and not
simply against them. Don’t give up on them. Though the conflict doesn’t
feel fair. The frustration doesn’t feel legitimate. The annoyance doesn’t feel
justifiable. Don’t start treating interactions with your student as something
to “win.” Instead, work at winning the
relationship. Come from a place of understanding—instead of frustration.
Come from a place of grace—instead of being defensive. Come from a place of
readiness to help—even if met with little to no appreciation.
Instead of making this a fight, see this as a
journey—done together. This may be a
season of conflict. But your willingness to be present in it, to stick through
it, to fight for it is, in and of itself, a win. Don’t give up on them now.
Keep at it, and you may be surprised, encouraged and maybe even a bit amazed at
who your teenager finds themselves to be.
http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/domestic-intelligence/200901/teens-and-parents-in-conflict
3. Try This
- Your
teenager is well on their way to being an adult. Their communication
skills are not. Be patient.
- Make
the goal in fighting to resolve the fight—not just be right.
- Don’t
escalate the drama. Refrain from the urge to pay back in kind their
hurtful comments and emotional reactions.
- Address
one issue at a time. Don’t let one argument become a venting session for
all the ways you feel they have been disrespecting you. Remember, you want
to resolve the issue, not keep score.
- Don’t
forget, it won’t be like this forever. Hang in there!
Get connected to a wider
community of parents at www.orangeparents.org.