Series: LET IT GO (May 1st - May 15th)

1. Be a Student of What They are Learning

“I just can’t let it go.” “They don’t deserve to be forgiven.” “It hurts too much to move on.” Maybe you’ve heard your students say something like this in the midst of pain, frustration and anger towards someone who has hurt them—or maybe you’ve said or thought something similar yourself. Choosing to forgive someone who has hurt us is never easy. So why does it matter so much that we do it? How do we know when we should do it? And how do we know we have actually healed from the pain an offense has caused? How do we simply let it go?

Week 1 Summary: The Grudge (April 30th)

At some point in all of our lives, we will come face-to-face with a very tough decision—whether or not to forgive. And while sometimes the idea of getting revenge seems right in the moment, in the long run, the only person it truly hurts is us. So if holding on to a grudge isn’t the best thing for us, what are we supposed to do? And who is ultimately responsible for making it right?

Week 2 Summary: It’s Not Fair (May 7th)

“We all want forgiveness. And—at one point or another—we all need it. But we aren’t always as willing to give it out as we are to accept it. Thankfully, the Bible tells us that God doesn’t measure our sins to see what is forgivable and what isn’t. He doesn’t say, “yes” to some things and “no” to others. So, if God is able to forgive every offense, what does it look like for us to do the same? What does it look like for us to take the forgiveness we have received and pass it on to other people who don’t deserve it—other people just like us?

Week 3 Summary: Little Brother (May 14th)

Your students have chosen to forgive. And they’ve actually done it! At least, they think they have, until the same old feelings come creeping up all over again. And suddenly, the freedom of letting go becomes more about coping than actually forgiving and moving on. So what do we do to move past coping to actually healing? How do we put our pain in the right perspective—God’s—so we can truly forgive and let it go?

2. Be a Student of Your Student

I can think of multiple times in my life when I’ve been in an emotional stand off with someone over something they did or said—or maybe something they didn’t say or didn’t do. Taking the first steps towards getting back on good terms is simple enough—in theory. But saying the words “I’m sorry” often feels like it costs too much. So, too often we choose silence in the hopes that time will fix it, instead of intentional reconciliation.

Unfortunately, not apologizing can be costly—maybe even especially to the relationship with our teenagers. Maybe sometimes you don’t want to apologize because you know that they are the one who did something wrong. Maybe in reaction to something your son did, you lashed out and said something that was a little harsh—but you excused it because his behavior was completely unacceptable. Or maybe you found yourself sneaking through bedroom drawers just to squelch some rising suspicions and it really broke your daughter’s trust—but you were justified in what you did, so an apology seems unnecessary. You didn’t do anything outside of your parental rights, per se, but your son or daughter feels hurt, betrayed or angry.

Saying I’m sorry can be so hard. Admitting you’re wrong, or that you even had a small part in an argument or bad situation, can physically hurt sometimes. It doesn’t sit well. On the other hand, when someone has apologized to you, or you have made the first step towards reconciliation, something distinct and compelling happens. There is a sense of relief, of vulnerability and calm. All from simply saying—or hearing—“I’m sorry.”

What is it about an apology that can be so powerful—both for the receiver of the apology and the one actually apologizing?

To understand this a bit more, we want to share some excerpts from an article entitled “The Power of Apology: How to give and receive an apology. And it’s worth it, on both ends” by Beverly Engel featured in Psychology Today in June 2013, and taken from the book The Power of Apology by Beverly Engel: (To read the full article, go to http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/200208/the-power-apology.)

As you read, try to focus on the bolded words—on what giving an apology does—and try to imagine these action words taking place in the context of your relationship with your son or daughter:

“Apology has the ability to disarm others of their anger and to prevent further misunderstandings. While an apology cannot undo harmful past actions, if done sincerely and effectively, it can undo the negative effects of those actions … Apologizing helps us remain emotionally connected to our friends and loved ones.…

So, the next time you find yourself in a stand off with your spouse, a co-worker a friend or even your son or daughter, remember that more is on the line than just your pride and sense of justice. The future relationship, the ability to stay connected to and vulnerable with that person is on the line too. The words “I’m sorry” may be hard to say, but they are always worth the effort!

3. Action Point

The action point for this series is pretty straightforward: Apologize to your student.

But sometimes this is easier said than done. So what are some characteristics of a meaningful apology?

First of all, admit that you are truly sorry for the hurt or damage you caused. It’s easy with our students to unintentionally do or say something that they take personally. And even though we don’t always mean things the way they hear or experience them, the hurt that can be caused is still real to them. So, while you may not have meant to be hurtful, recognizing that someone else was hurt by your actions is incredibly important.

Secondly, a sincere and powerful apology includes an acceptance of responsibility. This may seem like the same thing as admitting you are sorry for the hurt you caused. But it actually takes this idea of admittance one step further. When you accept responsibility, you are not making excuses for what you did, which often has the effect of negating the apology. It’s like when your student says, “I’m really sorry that I dented the car, but the other driver was way too close to me and I couldn’t see them well out of my side mirror.” Too many excuses cloud a good apology with a message of “It really wasn’t my fault.” For an apology to be meaningful and sincere, you have to communicate that you take full responsibility for your actions.

And lastly, there should always be something in your apology that shows you have a desire to remedy the situation. You obviously can’t go back and undo what was done—or not done—but you can offer a plan to make sure it doesn’t happen again. So, if you’ve missed your son’s basketball game … again … and he is really hurt and angry, make a plan and offer a promise to get to one of his upcoming games. And then do it! An empty promise will only make the hurt deeper, so don’t promise what you can’t deliver. But be sure to offer some sort of a plan of action so that your son or daughter knows that you will work towards not repeating the action that hurt them in the first place.

Take some time to think through what a meaningful apology might look like for your son or daughter. And then, go say the words that make all the difference in the world—I’m sorry.

Get connected to a wider community of parents at www.orangeparents.org.

SERIES: I WISH (April 3rd-17th)

1. Be a Student of What They are Learning

One of the hardest lessons in life is learning how to deal with regret. And one of the most valuable lessons is learning how to avoid it altogether. In every choice our students make, they have the power to walk down two roads: I wish I had or I’m glad I did. And when they understand that God will be with them in the midst of every decision they make, every moment of pressure they feel and even those times when they don’t make the best decision and have to deal with the sting of regret, they can walk through life with courage and discover who God has created them to be.   

Session 1: Get Smart (April 3rd)

We all have regrets—decisions we wish we could take back. And sometimes we get the chance to realize the benefits of a good decision. So what makes the difference between the two? And what does Jesus have to say that can help us have less “I wish I had” moments and more “I’m glad I did” ones?

Session 2: Are You Listening? (April 10th)

Last week we learned that following Jesus’ words is more than just spiritual, it’s smart. But how do we actually live those words out? Maybe the secret ingredient to living a life with more “I’m glad I did” moments is less about us and more about listening—to other people. Because when we listen, we learn. And when we listen to wise people, we learn to live wisely.

Session 3: An Ounce of Courage (April 17th)

Fear is a game-changer. It can stop us dead in our tracks and keep us from missing out on all God has in store for us. But when we trust God to take care of us, fear won’t have the chance to stop us from experiencing more I’m glad I did moments. So what do we need to find the courage to keep moving forward? And where are the places that we need that courage today?

2. Be a Student of Your Student

The teenage brain can often feel like a complete mystery. But some exciting research is pinpointing the growth and development of the adolescent brain and helping us get a better understanding of why teenagers can seem at once so mature and capable and conversely so quick to make really poor decisions.

A recent article in Harvard Magazine entitled “A WORK IN PROGRESS: The Teen Brain” by Debra Bradley Ruder (September-October 2008) sheds some light on the development of the adolescent brain:

“Human and animal studies, Jensen and Urion note, have shown that the brain grows and changes continually in young people—and that it is only about 80 percent developed in adolescents. The largest part, the cortex, is divided into lobes that mature from back to front. The last section to connect is the frontal lobe, responsible for cognitive processes such as reasoning, planning, and judgment. Normally this mental merger is not completed until somewhere between ages 25 and 30—much later than these two neurologists were taught in medical school … For his part, Urion believes programs aimed at preventing risky adolescent behaviors would be more effective if they offered practical strategies for making in-the-moment decisions, rather than merely lecturing teens about the behaviors themselves. (‘I have yet to meet a pregnant teenager who didn’t know biologically how this transpired,’ he says.)” (To read the full article, go to http://harvardmagazine.com/2008/09/the-teen-brain.html.)

While the science behind how the adolescent brain works is groundbreaking, the big takeaway is how we can help our students navigate good decision-making strategies. This starts on the front end. Take the time to talk to your students—to get inside their heads and lives—and understand the pressures, temptations and struggles people their age are dealing with. And then, help them talk and think through some good strategies for dealing with those pressures and temptations. (Note: Your student may be reluctant to talk about their personal struggles, but more willing to talk about the struggles of those in their peer group or age). Doing this doesn’t mean there won’t still be some major mess-ups or an occasional need to push the reset button, but this is a great place to start.

And when those moments do happen, making us scratch our heads—wondering how they could’ve made such a poor decision, gotten involved in such a bad crowd or simply been so naïve—our reaction matters. In that moment, we have a very important decision to make. And it’s one that can help or hurt our relationship with our student.

While flying off the handle may feel like the natural and appropriate response, when you stop, listen and keep your emotions under control, you create an opportunity for your student to open up to you, not only in the moment, but in the future as well. More than that, your student is watching your body language, and taking note of the tone of your voice, gauging the message you are sending non-verbally as well as verbally. Something as simple as crossing your arms and clenching your jaw as they unload can communicate a message you may not be intending. Your reaction trains them, whether you realize it or not, how to come to you—or not come to you—the next time they mess up. You have the opportunity to create a safe space, giving the relationship breathing room and creating an opportunity for more than a lecture, but for real growth.

3. Action Point/Tip

So, how can you work at helping your student navigate the regret they might feel after they’ve made a poor choice or a bad decision?

First, create a tentative plan on how to react when your student comes to you with some less than favorable news. What do you want to be sure to communicate? What do you want to be sure not to communicate? If you’re married, talk to your spouse and make sure that you are both on the same page about how you will react.

And remember, you don’t only communicate through your words. What other ways can you communicate care and understanding—your tone of voice, your body language, your emotions? At this stage in the game, parenting is less about control and authority and more about coaching and influence. How can your reaction to your teenager in a tense moment be more coaching-oriented than control-oriented?

More than anything, what students need to know and hear—though they may never vocalize it themselves—is that they are loved. No matter what. Chances are, whatever your student has done that they feel regret over, they also feel guilt over, and are fearful of rejection from you because of their actions. Creating a plan on how to communicate your love and acceptance to your student regardless of what they do or don’t do will ultimately set you up for success when they demonstrate some less than desirable behavior.

Get connected to a wider community of parents at www.orangeparents.org.